Oddly Placed

I feel out of place.

A fish out of water, if you will. A bird who can't fly. A cat with a long tail in a room full of rocking chairs.

I am drinking chai tea. Eating an apple, listening to Jack Johnson. I just finished teaching at one job and it is almost time for me to leave for my next job. And I'm... fine.

I just feel odd. I'm not odd like the 'normal' odd. In fact, to look at me or even to talk to me I doubt many people would notice it but its inside. I'm almost arm-wrestling myself. I feel like Gandolph standing on the precipice saying, 'You shall not pass!' to a part of myself. The child part- the part that wants to be a child forever, reading all day, watching kid movies, flying on daydreams, that side screams at the bigger, scarier part of me - the part that wants to burst out of its safe cacoon, to fly away on real dreams, the powerful side that wants to accomplish big things and be more then me.

Who will win?

I'm guessing I could never really be satisfied with being stuck 'here' forever. But we shall see. Maybe I will become the 'one left behind'.

In Little Women, Beth is the character left behind. She says that she never wanted to be anything other then her family's Beth, who stays at home. But in the end she is the one going ahead... to death. "To die would be an awfully big adventure."

Yet there is so much to life! "To live would be an awfully big adventure." I'm torn between wanting to be like Peter Pan forever a kid surrounded by many adventures, but never able to move forward, never able to be more then exactly who he is at age twelve. Forever stuck on the outside looking in. Or should I be a lost boy willing to come into the family, willing to face change and to face life.

Sometimes I think this is what faces us when we choose Christ... or at least it was when I choose Christ. I had to choose between being satisfied with the life I knew... or being brave enough to choose a life of being a follower of Jesus. A life of change.

It is said that one can never really remain stagnant. You are either striving forward and challenging the world around you, or being swept downstream by the constant flow of humanity.

I can say quite easily that I choose Christ. Words come quickly to my mouth full of gratitude and love for Him who saved me from sin.

And yet.

And yet, there is still the part of me that fears change. That clings to the old, that allows me to become stuck in this feeling of being 'oddly placed.'

So shall I strive forward, facing change and challenge with a smile? Shall I strive to become all that God wishes of me?

Or shall I sink backward into the old?

Who will win?

Unshed Tears

Sea of Unshed Tears

Unfocused- everything is a blur

Headache

Life goes on

Yet nothing makes sense

I feel like I’m drowning

I can’t breathe

What does suffocation feel like?

Will anyone save me?

Quiet

Empty

I look to the hills- but they seem to be alone

Like me

God, where are you?

I know You are here, please

Please come to me

I need You

I have a cold

Colds have this horrible affect on me.

Not only is my body completely worn out, my head aches and my eyes water.

But... I also have these huge mood swings that also involve inspirational urges to write or edit photos or attempt to work on something that might resemble poetry.

Normally when I have a cold I spend most of day either sleeping or watching movies or trying to move. And then night time comes around and I want to get up and clean my room and write and then I end up coughing until I force myself to lie down and get to sleep anyway I think it has a bad affect on my health....

So I was reading an article this one author has on his website, he says that those who are truly writers write everyday if they don't, writing must be only a hobby for them. If you were to look at my life right now you would say that writing must be only a hobby for me. But trust me, I love writing! And so.... (possibly due to this odd urge for doing something from the cold) I've decided to write everyday. Even if it is only just a thought that never makes the blog. I'm determined to write.

Did you ever see the Waltons? I love that TV show. It's about a family who lives in the mountains during the Depression. On that show John-boy is a writer. He writes down everything that happens to him, and he doesn't even have a typewriter. All he has is a pad of paper and a pencil. I'm always impressed by how much he writes, without a computer. But even more I'm impressed by his passion for writing. So I'm going to work on igniting that passion for writing again.

Passion.

Something that moves us to action, drives us to do. A beautiful amazing wonderful thing. God thank you for giving me a love and a passion for writing! (One other thing God, do you think you could give me some talent for writing too?)

Anyway, that's what is on my head right now.

Beth

~DARK~

Just a small incident that took place in the dark

The creak of the stairs was the only sound

The shadow on the wall followed me silently

My feet in slippers sped

I looked behind me

Nothing

The looming blackness was all around

The rhythm of my heart beat violently

My poor tiny soul was filled with dread

I tried to flee

But found something

A bump to my knee

A scream to awaken

Lights bursting on

All of a sudden

I see

The dashing, speeding, trampled cat

Who You Are To Me

God how marvelous Your works are to Me! I stand in awe, wondering how You could love someone like me. A sinner broken beyond compare. But You do!

How glorious is Your love and mercy that when I turn to You I find a Father

You are...

my God- always loving

my Victory- my war has been won

my Savior- forever my rescue

my Living Water- my thirst is gone

my Creator- the earth is Yours

my life- all I ever do is for You

...

Lovely beyond imagination

Greater than any in creation

All I want is You

Forever most glorious

LORD

2010

Hi!

So how are you? I haven't talked to you in a while... how have you been?

Did you notice that it is the beginning of a new decade? Wow... It went really fast. But I'm hopeful.

Sometimes I stand on the edge of a new adventure and I, honestly, I get really nervous. I have this habit of becoming so nervous I can't breathe and I shake. But lately I have had a lot of peace.

Did you ever notice that line from Aslan? "Peace dear heart." That's what I feel Christ telling me.

I'm not scared of the next adventure, I'm excited to see what will happen next. And I know that Christ will go with me!

Are you ready for your next adventure?

Dearest Friends,

It's over... I'm officially done with my "Call to Die" tomorrow.

And I'm kind of sad

It's not that I won't enjoy getting back on FB (because I will) and it's not that I don't want to buy a Starbucks as soon as I can (because I do) but I feel like I'm losing a piece of who I've been these past few weeks.

The last study was great. (So David Nasser if you ever read this, great job on that last day) I really felt moved, and ready to take the next step.

However there is one thing I REALLY can't wait for...

And that is to see where God takes me next!

Stay along for the ride, bloggers

Yours,

Nadine

snowed in... from a couple of days ago

Hae,

(That's how you say Hello in Icelandic)

I'm snowed in!

At least more or less, I got permission to work from home today and then rehearsal was cancelled. So... I get to stay home all day!!!

I mean besides the obvious, I've had to get some work done (It was all work I liked), and I had to help with my little siblings for a little while (which isn't bad at all) and I helped wash dishes(which is actually very relaxing for me)

Therefore I didn't do too much today, I sat in my room and did my work. Which included a lot of reading and writing! And watched out my window at the snow falling down, I also turned my Christmas lights on, and lit my candle.

Then I was distracted by a slight buzzing, so I looked up and saw...

A fly!

Just a plain ordinary house fly. And he was trying to get out of my room by way of my closed window. Why on earth that poor little house fly wanted to leave the safety of my warm room for the frozen wonderland outside, is beyond me! He kept banging his fragile body against the window and made no progress, nor did he wise up. A second later, I was distracted by the silence. I looked up hoping that the fly hadn't killed himself, but nope he was simply sitting on my Jane Austen book. And do you know what he was doing?

He was washing! He started with his front hands, then gently rubbed all over his head (I would assume he was washing his hair). After which he washed his middle legs, then his back legs. He scrubbed those little feet together, and then he gently began cleaning his wings. It was the most amazing sight! He cleaned the bottom of his wings, then holding his right wing with one foot and scrubbed the top of it with his other. Then he switched; and cleaned the other wing in the same delicate manner.

Just a reminder of the amazing detail of God's amazing earth!

There is my little friend now, he is starting the whole cleaning process again. :)

Yours, the Creation Observer

Nadine <><

Lights from the Fog

It's late and I'm tired. But I can't sleep... The weather is anything but warm, but lovely nonetheless. From where I am sitting I can see little light beams beckoning to me from amidst the fog. They are quietly calling my name, they call me to a chilly world of adventure. A world where one must face challenges, enemies, battles, huge problems, friendships, love and loneliness. It's the world I face from here at my desk. The world I must face tomorrow and the next day... and the next. They say to me- it's alright love, wait and love will come- which is probably a line from a movie. I can see now, that the love I am waiting for is from my King. Jesus. He is coming, and He is coming into my heart the more I prepare it for Him. When loneliness strikes it doesn't always mean that He has left me, it often means that I am not paying attention. That I am being distracted. That the shiny light of the the reflections on the snow are distracting me from the real light ... the light that shines in the darkness through the power of God.

How can I stand here and not be moved by You?

He is calling... He is coming... He is HERE! He is all around, and I don't ever have to be alone when facing the adventures of the world.

Yours Eternally,

Nadine <><

Just A Thought...

THouGHT FoR THe DaY

I sit- staring at the oncoming storm, myself and my books are outside... exposed to the elements. This little old couple walked by and laughingly informed me that I would soon be wet! I smiled, and watched them walk (holding hands) to their car. The gentleman opened his wife's door, helped her in and then proceeded to get into his own car. My heart got teary...

and then THUNDER struck I turned in my chair to make sure the Starbucks was still behind me (it was) and continued to watch the sky.

I've decided (which I do often- make decisions that is) that it was worth the risk of getting wet to continue enjoying the fresh air the amazing clouds and the outdoors of God. (And I mustn't forget the view of the mountains!) So far it is worth every risk! I must leave in a moment but THIS moment should never be cheated out of it's full worth.

Thank you for sharing it with me!

P.S. Did I mention I was listening to Frank Sinatra?

-fifty-

50. Chewing the fat with friends... we talk as though we haven't seen each other for years when really it's only been a day

49. The smell of coffee... I hate the taste but the smell is soothing

48. The worn-out pages of a beloved, and well read book

47. My soft old stuffed bear... Ragzy

46. Dead pointe shoes

45. Traveling... especially flying in airplanes all by myself!

44. Taking pictures of people that I love

43. Creating intricate pieces of jewelry! And then seeing people wear them

42. The way real fires leave the smoky smell on your clothes... I never want to wash it out

41. Sitting in Starbucks all alone and people watching... they do the weirdest things

40. Reading my Bible, but especially when God just says something really clearly

39. My little women :D

38. Watching old musicals and singing every single song (That one is for those of you, who strongly dislike musicals... you know who you are)

37. Helping people... in small ways & big ways

36. Sunflowers, I love how they always face the sun! What a great purpose to life

35. Having something you've done be appreciated by others, it feels good to be able to share your gifts

34. Tom's Shoes!

33. Singing Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs with my friends

32. The nervous anxious feeling that I get before shows being soothed away be people who care

31. Talking in "Secret Codes" with close friends!

30. writing something awesome that is just for you and God

29. Galveston...

28. Driving in the rain with the windows down and listening to Jack Johnson

27. Having christmas lights up in my room- all year round

26. CHAI TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!

25. susiemag.com- if you are a girl who loves God- check out this mag!

24. sketching, especially when listening to rock

23. my soft brown blanket & naps!

22. bubble baths

21. long, jangly earrings

20. dictionaries (but I'm not fond of making a fool of myself trying to spell ridiculously hard words!)

19. Michael Bublé - yep

18. the movie PENELOPE!!!!!! awesomeness

17. the word SERENDIPITY

16. talking with writers & readers

15. walking everywhere barefoot

14. Narnia

13. being melancholy... sometimes you just need to be

12. "HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE..." (if you can't finish this... your loss!)

11. a clean room!

10. completing that triple pirouette en pointe

9. Christmas time- when you get to see all the family you only see once a year!

8. My Bookshelf

7. purity ring- very important!

6. Big Sunglasses

5. late night talks with Katie

4. chatting on facebook

3. staying up late- just to write

2. Waking up Early! To spend time with God

1. God & Jesus & Holy Spirit - and the way they work in my life

that's fun... :)

Worried? Don't be

My mom said something today that struck home... she said that sometimes God lets small troubles happen so that we are prepared for the larger storms that are heading our way. It was this that saved my day! I'm not going to go into long, boring details, but the main thing is... something happened and it threw this fact- that I can not do everything perfectly on my own- right up into my face! I was heartbroken to have made a huge mistake, but I was gently reminded that everything would be okay and would work out. And nothing I could do would change what had already happened.

Remember that verse? The one about not worrying? Check out Matthew 6, the verse that stands out to me is verse 27; "Can any of you add a single day to his life by worrying?" The answer in case you are confused is No! We can't add a single day to our lives, a single inch to our height and we most definitely can not travel back in time and erase mistakes by worrying. So what good will it do us to worry? None.

I suppose what I am saying is that... I've decided not to worry. But learn my lessons, even the hard ones, and move on. After all, "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it... yet."

Sometimes... Most times I fail...

I am dependent.

Coming from the me-- a person who wants to and usually can do everything by myself-- this is an odd statement, to say the least.

It's hard for me to admit that I can't do it all alone... but I can't.

I don't have the strength, the courage, or even the faith to do it alone.

It's hard for me to admit that I'm not perfect. You see, I was one of those people who got good grades, rarely made a mistake and was the favorite of most. But I fail...

in life

I make devastating mistakes that rip into people I love or injure someone who was looking to me... because I am a Christian.

So here I am DECLARING I'm not perfect, I can't be independent and I can't do this alone.

I fall to me knees in the front of the One who can help me -- who is perfect-- and who won't bend when I lean dependent on Him.

Jesus, the Light of All Men